Climbing Out from Under This Rock

Well, it's safe to say there is NOOOOO way to recap the events of the past 17 weeks since my last post. Many of the experiences I just can't possibly craft words for, and it seems like the most viciously overwhelming task to even try. So, I will just hit some high points.

I am cautious to write anything of the first few months for fear of sounding ungrateful for the precious gift who is sleeping like an angel in her room across the house. So let me preface: Everleigh is the most loved, most wanted, most treasured gift I have. I now know a mother's love, and it is definitely THE most powerful, and sometimes overwhelming, feeling I have ever felt. I think that's what makes it such a journey for a first-time mom. It's like learning to drive, driving the fastest, most powerful car out there...just turned loose, unbridled, behind a force more powerful than anything you've ever felt.

We obviously had Everleigh later in life than most...we are both 32. I pretty much helped raise many a friend's babies, so I just knew I was going to be GOLDEN when I finally had kids...knowing exactly what to expect and what to do with even the most unexpected. I was a seasoned vet...right? WRONG! I can sit here and conjure up the exact fear that I felt walking into my house with Everleigh for the first time knowing that this was it...we are on our own now...left to raise this perfect little person and make sure she turns out right. YIKES! But, the first two weeks were a cake walk! She slept when she should, and hardly ever cried. Granted, she woke up to eat a lot at night, but that was to be expected.

Around the two week mark, we started seeing a different side of our little angel. She cried more often and was harder to get to sleep and REALLY hard to get her to stay asleep outside of your arms. Day by day the times of crying got longer and the sleeping got shorter. The next thing we knew, she was crying constantly. At her doctor's appointments, we were told she just probably had colic and we could look for her to grow out of it by about 12 weeks (which felt like a CENTURY away!). I wasn't buying it though. My girl wasn't just crying. She was SCREAMING out of pain, and did so from the time she was coherent enough to realize she wasnt' sleeping anymore...before she even opened her eyes, she would begin screaming. And scream until we could finally rock, bounce, sway, or pat her with all the force we had in us. Dan would come home from work every day and I know I had a crazed look in my eyes because I had been doing a vicious cycle of all of the actions above since he had left that morning...and she would NOT let you put her down. She was also eating every hour, and would scream and fight me during the feedings...and she wouldn't have anything to do with a bottle. There were many times that we were both in tears. I hardly left the house at all for those first weeks because she just screamed. I also had to quit my job since my maternity leave was up and she couldn't be put down.

Finally, at seven weeks, Everleigh was diagnosed with acid reflux and a condition called Dysmotility, which basically means her little digestive system wasn't fully cooked when she was born. Switching her to formula was out of the question because she wouldn't be able to digest it in her condition. I have had to cut everything out of my diet including any and all dairy, wheat, gluten, citrus, tomatoes, garlic, potatoes, caffeine, and carbonated beverages, in order to make my milk as easy as possible on her little tummy. Luckily, with the meds we were given, and my restricted diet, she is a different baby. She is now sleeping well, and eating on a normal schedule (before, she was eating so often because babies cannot differentiate between a stomach pain and a hunger pain...so she was eating to soothe her hurting tummy, which was only perpetuating the problem). She is laughing and talking A LOT! Sweet little thing!

**We ALSO took Everleigh to a Chiropractor and believe the treatment she received is a HUGE factor in her quick turnaround.

All that to say (and this is where I automatically feel like a bad mom), it's been hard. It has not been what I expected motherhood to be. There have been lots and lots of tears shed...some mourning the loss of the picture perfect idea I had built up in my head of life with a perfectly healthy, sleeping, newborn. I can't count the number of times I said OUTLOUD to myself, "God gave THIS baby to YOU becuase YOU are the most perfect mother on the face of the Earth for her. No one else can love her and care for her like you can." The power of our words is amazing. The power of our thoughts is too because there were many days I would think myself into a hole..."I can't do this. Is she going to sleep? How long will she sleep? What if she doesn't sleep? When will I sleep? What does that cry mean? How can I not know how to help her if I am her mother?"

It has been really hard being away from close friends and family during this season. I have struggled through some pretty "alone" feelings, but hear that is normal for a first-time mom...especially one who is uber-social and has had to quit her job to care for this little one.

I will tell you what though, that baby's smiles and coos heal me every day. Every time she looks at me and smiles out of sheer joy that I am in her presence absolutely makes everything worth it. No, it's not what I expected, but she is mine and she loves me regardless of any inadequacies as a mother I might have. Though my best may not be THE best, it's good enough for her, and she loves her momma. We are enjoying watching her discover her world. She is mesmorized by her little hands, and it's the cutest thing to watch. She loves for me to say, "MOMMA!" to her. She loves for us to make funny noises with our mouths using our tongues, and mimics us. She loves the Octopus (who we have appropriately named "Ocho") on her Baby Einstein playmat. And best of all, she LOVES her Praise Baby DVD's...I even think she is trying to sing along with the worship songs sometimes! She is the most beautiful angel in the world, and we are blessed to call her ours.

In 2011, I promise to keep up with my blog. I really do. Now that I am figuring out this new life balance, I should have no problem doing it. So, keep your eyes open for the lastest musings in our life with baby Ev! It should be getting fun VERY soon!!!