Tears

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they
are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.
~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

Not sure what the cause, but I am SO weepy lately. I can't decide if I am in a season where I am surrounded by more sorrowful situations, or if my heart is just overflowing with sensitivity and compassion, more than ever before. Either way, poor Dan. He has to hear it and see it all the time. Some of the things making me flow like a faucet lately...

1. Old men. I can't handle them. I bawl...immediately. They hurt my heart in unexplainable ways. It really, truthfully feels like someone is standing on my chest when I see an elderly man. I have to turn away. I tell this story all the time, but when I was younger, I was banned from going on children's choir trips to nursing homes to sing Christmas carols because I would cry the entire time. It's so bad, that the girls in my youth group wrote a song about my old man "handicap" entitled, "Oh, the little old man!"
   
   
2. Going hand-in-hand with old men, is my Grandpa, Raymond Chancellor. He absolutely breaks my heart. He is (with the exception of my Dad) the best man alive. He is the sweetest, most loving, generous, hard-working, God-fearing, "salt of the earth", obedient, funniest man I have ever met. I could spend every day, all day with him and never grow tired or bored. He has provided for my dad's brothers and their children, his whole life...giving them anything and everything they have ever needed to survive in life. He cared for my Grandma, the love of his life that he married when she was 15, so willingly and selflessly until she passed away last September with Lupus and Parkinson's. Today, he is still working heavy machinery to repair roads in southern Arkansas at the age of 83 to care for my dad's brothers and their kids. (Don't even get me started on that!) Dan had to comfort me a week or so ago when I heard that he was seen picking up and paying for the prescriptions for all who live under his roof after a long hard day at work. I was sobbing on the couch out of helplessness. I would move in with him tomorrow and care for him until he goes to be with my Grandma, if I could. I love that man with every bit of my aching heart. It pains me to not be able to help him and love him every day. I have tears now.
   
   
3. The thought of not being able to have kids. Now, I have ZERO idea why I even think about this. Dan and I have just begun "trying" (whatever that means) to start a family. However, I, at times, am completely crippled with the fear of not being able to have kids. I just can't imagine the pain. I am one who has wanted kids since I was a kid myself. Getting married later in life presents a sense of urgency in that. I know God has such a plan for us though. His ways and timing are always WAY more exciting and perfect than mine, so we shall wait to see what He has!
   
   
4. Another hand-in-hand is the idea of adopting babies. I have such a heart for the hurting and less fortunate. Dan and I have always said we would like to have two or three of our own, and then adopt one or two from another country. We even talk about where we would want them to be from. Given my love for Africa, I always say somewhere in Africa. Dan being from South America, always says Paraguay, etc. However, yesterday I became Facebook friends with a sweet friend that I used to work with in college. She and her husband have adopted two little girls from an orphanage in Vietnam in the past three years. She is a professional photographer, and has done a beautiful job of documenting their story and their little lives as they unfold. In one day, I am obsessed. Check out her blog, and you will be too. Needless to say, if we ever adopt, I will be contacting my friend Kelly, and heading to Vietnam. Done, and done.

Those are just a few things that are top of the mind, but I also cried today watching "16 and Pregnant" on MTV, and "Wedding Day" on TLC. I teared up on Friday when I found out that a man that I reached out to on Facebook to help me with the geneaology on my dad's side of the family was in fact, my second cousin. Oh, and I cried in the movie "Up" last week, but it's about a little old man, so that was a given.

Again, not sure what is going on, but I love to cry, so I'm okay with it. It shows my heart is still working, and in a family chock-full of heart disease, that is a GOOOOOOD thing!

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either.
~Golda Meir